An addiction

Growing up the daughter of an alcoholic, I have always been aware of my predilection to becoming addicted to things and people. When I have a new best friend, I ache without that person and need to learn how to breathe air they haven't exhaled. I am also susceptible to overinterest in certain foods and tv shows - eating the same thing multiple times a day every day for weeks or months and clearing my schedule to the point of asocial behavior in order to see certain shows as soon as they air. As a psychology (almost) major, I tend to overdiagnose myself as an addict. I have never gone through treatment or even sought assistance with an addiction, but I analyze my choices to see whether I am truly addicted or just enjoying something and, if addicted, whether it is positive or negative. If negative, I make the necessary changes in my life. Sometimes, I have to do something really stupid or embarrassing to realize that I need to make those changes, but those stupid embarrassing things will be stories for another day.
No one told me that weaning my son would be like kicking an addiction. Let me start by saying that nursing was important to me, but it wasn't easy. I will never understand how something so natural and truly essential to human existence can be so painful, nauseating, morally deflating, and exhausting - of course, not all the time. I wouldn't have done it for over a year and a half if I hated myself every time I did it, but several times, and for weeks each time, I would have to pump and give him bottles for at least a few of his feedings until I could stand the pain of nursing full-time again.
That said, I am having a hard time quitting and I have been trying for nine months. I have become addicted to those moments when he needs me in such a basic way. Keeping up with a toddler is exhausting in and of itself so now this thing that exhausts me by literally stealing my nutrition, is a relaxing reprieve from the exhaustion of every other waking moment of my life. I am so addicted to the peace and comfort I get out of comforting my son that sometimes I will nurse him surreptitiously thinking "no one has to know." Whenever that thought crosses my mind, while nursing or eating or doing anything, I immediately feel the need to tell someone so I am not hiding my addiction.
Of course, weaning is a little different than kicking other addictions because my son is putting up a fight, too. So, to kick this habit I either have to pass him off to my husband when he asks for my milk or I have to repeatedly tell him "no" without really being able to give him a better reason than, "you don't need it." 
Normally, I am cold-turkey kinda gal. I don't do moderation well, but I can't cold turkey nursing. It wouldn't be good for me or my son. This means that I need to repeat the weaning process over and over again. First it was saying "no" except when he was hurt, falling asleep, or waking up. Next I took away hurt because I don't want to teach him to comfort himself with food when he is in pain. Now, I am taking away the falling asleep feeding. Again, I don't want him to eat himself to sleep every night as an adult.
I struggle with this process for so many reasons. First of all, it feels selfish. Part of the reason I am weaning him is so I can lose weight. I have tried fruitlessly to lose while still nursing. I struggle because only part of me even wants to wean him while another part wants to follow his cues about when he is ready. I struggle because life gets in the way of my goals. He gets sick so nursing him seems like giving him medicine, and it actually does help him get better faster. I struggle because change is hard. He falls asleep so relatively quickly and easily for me if I let him nurse beforehand. I struggle because I hear so many conflicting messages about when is the best time to wean and why. I am a good girl, an obedient girl, and I do as I am told so I don't know what to do when I am told to do conflicting things. Guess I have to learn to think for myself in this case.